A little boy was staying at his grandmothers house. In the morning, his
grandmother was about to take a shower and the boy asked if he could take a
shower with her. She said yes and when they got in the shower, the little
boy pointed to his granny's privates and asked her what 'it' was.
"Oh, that is just my Beaver' she replied back.
Satisfied with the answer, he just replied, "Oh."
Later that week, back at his house the little boys mother was about to take
a shower. He asked if he could get into the shower with her. His mother said
yes and this time he points to his mothers privates and asks, "What is that,
mommy?"
His mother, a little embarrassed replies, "Why that's my Beaver, honey. Why
do you ask?"
"Well.." says the young boy, "Grandma has a Beaver too, but I think it's
dead, because it's tongue hangs out."
A passenger is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when
another man and a dog board the plane and sit in the two seats beside
him. The passenger is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man
explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the
passenger 'Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is,
I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the
passenger 'Watch this'. He tells the dog 'Rover, search '. The dog jumps
down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds,
it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says Good boy, and turns to the passenger and says, 'That woman
is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the
seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
'Fantastic!' replies the passenger.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places
both paws on the handler's arm. He says 'Good boy, and turns to the
passenger
and says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of
this, and the seat number.
'That's marvelous, I never seen anything like it!' says the passenger.
Once again the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then
comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and starts crapping all
over
the place. The passenger is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks
'What
the heck is going on?' The handler replies 'Oh oh! I think he's just
found
a bomb".
Die Tüte, El Tüt, Tasch
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-mohtkon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes
Die Tüte, El Tüt, Tasch
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other
Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20,
even
though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
towel, and a bar of soap from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.A man
would
not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
LISTENING
What a woman says: C'mon, this place is a mess. You and I need to clean.
Your
pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry
now.
What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah,
blah,
blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Irishman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a firework and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in certain parts of Wales, the far North of
Scotland, the West Midlands especially Dudley) and all of France.
Die Tüte, El Tüt, Tasch
> A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the
counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills.
>
> The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches
the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?
>
> Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then
you get all the money.
>
> Man: "What are the three tests?"
>
> Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the
ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.
>
> Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you hve to drink that
whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once. AND, you can't make
a face while doing it.
>
> Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth . . .
you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
>
> Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in
her life. You gotta make things right for her."
>
> Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot. I won't
do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from
there."
>
> Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."
>
> Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks,
>
> "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands
and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he
doesn't make a face.
>
> Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and
eventually silence.
>
> Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
>
> "NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
>
das Land der unbegrenzten Möglichkeiten :
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Die Tüte, El Tüt, Tasch
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides
he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first,
giving the rooster a pep talk.
I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house
and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-
Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the
farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny
after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again * WHAM! He gets all the
geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find
Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard, vultures are
circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer......."
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers".
He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.... When the gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van he
has
a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" asks the homeowner.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up
there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the
gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let
go
until the gorilla is subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van," said the gorilla remover.
So he puts up the ladder, gets the baseball bat and the shotgun. As he
gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," he shouted.
Die Tüte, El Tüt, Tasch
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: - "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." - "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public !" - "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sexa ? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'..."
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